Lisa Hoffman & Charles Atkins

Published December 1, 2006

"I was up until midnight on the day of election," Lisa comments, "watching the different people all dressed up in crazy costumes. It was like a circus."

"I’m glad it’s over. The whole race was vile," I say. "Increasingly I think there should be limits on how long representatives and senators should be allowed to stay in office. No matter what people in elected position say about how everything they’re doing is for their constituency, there’s the reality that unless they’re independently wealthy, they pay their mortgages and their children’s tuitions with the salaries they draw from our taxes. Not that there’s anything wrong with making a living in politics, but self-interest and doing whatever it takes to stay in office, may not always be in the tax payer’s best interest. And where do all those millions in campaign funds come from? Is it just that corporations and special-interest lobbies give out of the goodness of their heart? Or is it really the old I’ll scratch your back, and you’ll back my bill…or something to that effect."

"It’s no longer may the best man/woman win," Lisa adds, "But may the richest win. So many millions are wasted on these campaigns. Imagine all of the animals that could have been saved with that money. Here my little rescue organization PALS (People for the Animal’s League of Southbury) has been trying for years and years to get a new dog pound, if even a fraction of the money spent on commercials and posters had been spent on that we would have one by now."

"The waste is appalling, for the past few weeks I’ve been getting multiple copies of each candidate’s mailer in the box. Multiplied out by every registered voter in the state…the country…what does that cost? I suppose it’s a boon for the printers, but for me it’s just more shredding. It is interesting how you don’t even know who our elected officials are for the majority of their term, but come election time we’re barraged from all sides."

"Can anyone actually make it in politics if they’re poor?" Lisa asks.

"It’s a good question, and I suspect the answer is no, unless you’re willing to bed down with deep-pocketed backers. This year too there was an excessive amount of mud slinging. By the end of the day I couldn’t stand any of the candidates. What would happen to our society if people outside of the political arena used the same tactics?:

"One ad would totally contradict the next," Lisa says, "so clearly someone had to be lying."

"Or maybe they both were, or at least were slanting the truth to fit their end, no matter how distorted. The whole thing stank, and seemed like a cross between a shell game and…a carnival. The saddest part was that major issues were never discussed in a substantial way. What with the war in Iraq, millions of Americans without healthcare, a Social Security Trust Fund that seems not so trusty, Global warming, and challenges across our society from education to human rights, it seems like the candidates were happier hurling insults than clearly stating platforms on important issues. But maybe we’re partially to blame. Maybe Americans just like the spectacle—sort of like Saturday night wrestling. What if we were doing a campaign ad for you? How would it go?"

She looks out her window, and then lowers her voice to its newscaster best: "Lisa Hoffman has spent fifty years fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way. Her platform has always been ‘leave a better world behind’ and ‘you can fight city hall’. She has tirelessly rooted out corruption from fraudulent grocery flyers to deliberately robotic answering machines. A vote for Lisa Hoffman is a vote for a better world filled with fuzzy kittens and a box of chocolates in every cupboard. I’m Lisa Hoffman and I approve this message. I want to be your candy-date."

"That’s not bad." I say, trying to scrape off the residue of her last pun, "but now we need the opposing team’s ad, here goes: ‘With animal over-population and obesity at epidemic levels, my opponent Lisa Hoffman continues to push for more and more animal causes and gluttonous consumption of high-calorie foods. If Lisa Hoffman has her way, we’ll be pushing our morbidly obese children around in wheelbarrows while chased by roving herds of rabid dogs and cats. Is this the America you want, fat and furry? I know I sure don’t. I’m Dr. Charles Atkins and I approve this message."

"That’s a lie! I’m not for animal over-population," Lisa says, trying to interrupt my smear campaign. "I believe that having your cats and dogs spayed and neutered is incredibly important."

"I know, but as we said, objectively presenting the facts didn’t figure into this past election."

"Well," Lisa says, "There’s one good thing we can say now that it’s over."

"Which is?" I ask.

"We won’t hear a word out of our elected officials for at least another two years."

"And to that I say…Amen."

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