Lisa Hoffman and Charles Atkins

Published January 5, 2006

Lisa and I are very excited; it seems like only yesterday we celebrated our favorite winter holiday. Before you conjure sugar plums, dreidels, the lighting of the Kwanza lamp or the big apple dropping in Times Square, we’re getting set for something far more serious; it’s Kvetch Day once again.

For those unfamiliar with this ancient Greco-Roman festivity, it was first recorded by the historian Gaius Suetonius in the 2nd century in his encyclopedic work Lives of the Caesars. Dedicated to the deity Curmudgeonus, Kvetch Day, which is celebrated on the first full moon after the winter solstice—because no one likes the dead of winter--is given over to the listing of grievances and gripes and to mindfully decide which things can be changed and which we’ll have to endure. Or in the words of mothers everywhere, ‘if you’re going to do something, do it right…including complain.’ In ancient times the festival culminated in bonfires where lists of hateful things were printed on velum and consigned to the flame. It’s a day to vent and to acknowledge all those things that annoy.

"You go first," I tell Lisa, who’s been making her list and checking it twice.

"What really annoys me is that everybody in this world is expected to have a computer. I don’t. I think it discriminates against seniors who might be more comfortable using older fashioned methods of communicating—like letters and talking. For instance, the other day I wanted to call up the new pharmacy in town. Their weekly bulletin encourages you to phone in your prescription. But their number was not to be found. Instead it listed www. I’m sick of those letters! And I wasn’t about to spend a $1.50 to call information, but finally managed to get the number by calling the phone company directly. This over-reliance on computers and expectation that we all have them and know how to use them is high on my list. And you?" she asks.

"I can’t stand being lied to by politicians," I say. "I brought this up with a local merchant, whose comment was, ‘all politicians lie.’ I’m not prepared to make that leap, but every day in the news I’m disheartened to learn that things we’ve been told by our leaders were never true. We can all cite examples—at all levels of government--of how the public trust has been repeatedly abused. I hate this horrible sense of feeling tricked and swindled. It leaves me sick at heart and is high on my list of things that make me see red."

Lisa nods in agreement and reads her second item. "Cookbooks that insist you’ve got all the latest gadgets bother me no end. Our mothers and grandmothers did perfectly well without food processors and hand mixers, although," she says reflectively, "I never thought I’d own a microwave and now I can’t imagine doing without. But still, there’s too much emphasis on electronic gadgets. Why can’t we make do with a whisk or a wooden spoon? What happens if the power goes out? Maybe this is why everyone has to go to the gym, because the more normal exercise involved with preparing a meal is gone. I suspect the calories burned in hand-whipping ten egg whites to make meringue are equal to the calories in the finished product. Why lift weights when you could be kneading dough?"

"But weren’t you the one who asked the Hanukkah fairy for a chocolate fountain?" I ask.

"Yes, but as you’re well aware, the second rule of Kvetch Day is that you’re allowed not only to complain, but to be a hypocrite, as well."

"True." And I read from my list. "Drivers who don’t use their blinkers need to be punished," I add. "Few things are more annoying—or scary—than having to slam on your breaks when the car in front of you decides to turn, without having put on their blinker."

"There ought to be a law about fine print," Lisa says, coming to her third gripe. "I have 20-20 vision and even I can’t read the writing on medications, cans and instructions for products you’ve purchased. There should be a minimum allowable size. It’s as though people think if they write in tiny letters no one will read it. I think they’re right, but we all know that if you don’t read the fine print, beware. Like every week I see ads for products. In great big letters I’ll be told, "Free" "Half Price", but then I pull out my magnifying glass and learn that the shipping and handling will cost more than the "free" item is worth. Do they take us for fools?"

And with that we head to the telephone.

Lisa’s friend Margaret quickly adds to our growing list, "Call waiting. I’d like to get rid of it. It keeps beeping while you’re trying to talk to somebody and you can’t always answer it. Plus I don’t like cell phones, all of these people walking around the grocery store with a phone in their ear…and people who don’t clean up after their dogs; I see a lot of that."

Friend Mary chimes in with, "People at the super market who’ve already had their purchases rung and only then dig into their purses for their checkbooks, and you’re standing there as they fumble for a pen, and ask the clerk for a second time how much it came to…oh…"she quickly adds, "and tailgaters. Why just yesterday there was an accident where a young girl was following too closely. What’s the hurry?"

A third friend, Steve, adds the dangerous winter annoyance of, "people in SUVs driving way too fast on icy roads. Don’t they realize that all-wheel-drive can’t stop a two-ton vehicle barreling at 60 miles an hour on a slick surface?"

After she hangs up, Lisa comments, "But my biggest gripe is how, as everything becomes more computerized, things get worse. I spend days on the telephone, being given choices by computers that don’t apply. It used to be you could at least push "O" and get an operator. Now the computer tells you, ‘that’s not a valid number’. It’s like a science fiction movie where the machines have done away with the people. I miss talking to humans.

"So if I could have one wish, for Kvetch Day," she says, as we prepare our lists for the ceremonial fire, "it would be for a return to less-complicated ways. Maybe not the horse and buggy, but a real person on the phone, people who stand by their word and a slower pace where being considerate and being kind are not the exception." As she drops her list into the fire and we bid Kvetch Day goodbye, she sighs, "Ah, for the good old days."

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