Lisa Hoffman and Charles Atkins

published may 25, 2006

Charlie writes:

It’s a rainy day in Southbury and I’m half-drenched when I show up at Lisa’s. As we’ve both been having dreary weeks it’s time to turn our moods around and focus on something positive.

"Have you ever noticed," I begin, "how in most sports, whether it’s football or gymnastics, when the athletes complete a trick or scores a touchdown, they either throw their hands in the air, or their team-mates gather round and give them a pat. How come that kind of reward for a job well done, doesn’t make it into the rest of our lives?"

Lisa ponders this, "Whenever I get paid a compliment—even some of the thoughtless ones—I smile and say, ‘I know’. Then there comes a silence, as though I’ve just displayed some horrible conceit, or that I’m joking. ‘Why should I lie?’ I tell them. There’s nothing wrong in accepting a compliment or acknowledging that you actually know how to do something well. The ones that make me chuckle, are when people compliment me on still having all my marbles at an advanced age. I suppose their assumption that all older people are mildly demented should bother me, but at this point I’ve come to realize that ageism is rampant. And by the way, you’re not going to forget it’s my birthday this week? I’m going to be 87."

"That was subtle," I comment. "But there’s something about our culture where we struggle with both getting and receiving praise. It runs deep and when it comes to giving ourselves a pat on the back, I know that I’m pretty bad about this. I remember after I’d finished my first novel, a friend remarked, ‘congratulations!’ It stopped me in my tracks, because here I’d accomplished something that I’d wanted to do for years, and I hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge the moment. I was already focused on how I was going to find an agent. Which, as an aside, that first book never saw the light of day."

"It didn’t?" Lisa asks.

"No, and it never should. It’s true for many authors that the first novel is almost like a warm up. I remember a best-selling novelist once told me that it wasn’t until her 7^th book that she got a sale. But back to our topic, why is it so difficult to give and receive praise?"

"It has to do with our education," Lisa comments. "As children we’re taught to be modest and to not toot your own horn. But this can go too far. It’s not bragging if in fact you do something well, it’s a statement of fact. Why can’t we be proud of our accomplishments? It inspires us to greater achievement."

"Exactly, and there’s an important behavioral principal at play. A pat on the back is a reward. If you’re trying to bring out a particular behavior, the best way to do it is with rewards. The carrot works much better than the stick."

"I remember when I was a little girl in school," Lisa says, "every time I did something well my teacher would give me a Hauchbild, which was a little collectible picture that if you blew on it the edges would curl."

"How would you feel when you got one?" I ask.

"I’d be very proud of myself and be sure to bring it home and show it to my parents."

"Rewards make us feel good. If you think about it, telling somebody that they’ve done a good job and that you appreciate their efforts costs absolutely nothing, yet it can transform somebody’s day, or at least the moment."

"It’s like when you have an animal," Lisa says, "and you pet it and give it some love. A cat starts to purr and a dog wags its tail. Only here, we’re stroking the ego."

"True, but that carries a negative ring. I wish we could shed all of our psychobabble around this topic. I guess it comes down to giving ourselves permission to revel in our achievements, especially the everyday ones. Just like with the athletes, if we balance our checkbook, vacuum the living room, or do a load of laundry we should throw our hands in the air, applaud, and give ourselves a pat. Or at the very least, tell ourselves, ‘well done, you got something accomplished.’"

"Yes," Lisa says, "and just as it’s important to give ourselves a pat, it would be wonderful if instead of focusing so much on the negative things people do we could make it a habit to praise people when they do a good job. I always try to do this. If an operator is especially helpful I make sure to speak with her supervisor and let her know. After all, you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar."

"I’m not crazy about that saying, as a physician and crime writer I know there are lots of nasty things that attract flies. But it is true that giving praise makes people feel wonderful, it spreads positive energy; it’s all good." As I type that last sentence, I see that we’ve hit our word count for the week.

"You know," I comment, "our essay is just about done."

"You are incredible!" Lisa says, "I don’t know anyone who writes as fast as you do."

"Thank you so much, I couldn’t have done it without you. Let’s take a bow."

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